The Down Low On High Functioning Anxiety From an Anxiety Therapist

As a clinician I don’t love anything that’s coined “high functioning” if I’m being honest. For me that reads that you have adapted to your circumstances really well and you can mask your symptoms and suffering a little too well.

High functioning anxiety (HFA) is a catch-all term used to describe those who experience anxiety but continue to function quite well in their daily lives. Unlike some other forms of anxiety that are more obvious, high functioning anxiety can be less noticeable to others, as those affected often excel in their responsibilities and appear outwardly successful.

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Key Characteristics of High Functioning Anxiety:

1. Overthinking: You tend to overanalyze situations, events, and your own actions. This constant overthinking can lead to feelings of self-doubt and a fear of making mistakes.

2. Perfectionism: There is a strong desire to achieve perfection in various aspects of life. This drive for perfection is a source of stress and there is an intense pressure to meet your exceptionally high standards.

3. Fear of Failure: There is a persistent fear of failure, and you may go to great lengths to avoid making mistakes or falling short of expectations. This fear can be a powerful motivator but can also contribute to heightened stress levels.

4. Difficulty Relaxing: Even during moments of leisure, you may find it challenging to fully relax. Your mind races with thoughts and concerns, preventing you from fully enjoying downtime.

5. Physical Symptoms: While not always as pronounced as in other anxiety disorders, HFA can still manifest physical symptoms such as tension, GI issues, restlessness, fatigue, and difficulty sleeping.

6. Masking: You’re likely very good at concealing your inner struggles from others. You may present a composed and put-together exterior, making it challenging for others to recognize the internal turmoil they may be experiencing. A hallmark sign is that your internal experience does not match at all what you present on the outside (see below).

It's important to recognize that mental health and fitness exists on a spectrum, and individuals with HFA still benefit from support and understanding even though it isn’t an official diagnosis. Using more accurate and comprehensive language to describe the challenges individuals with anxiety face can help them to feel less alone and articulate their needs better. Last year I wrote about how to support a woman with high functioning anxiety, which you can read here.

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Steps to Improve Your Symptoms:

Improving high functioning anxiety involves several strategies. When a client comes to me and their umbrella complaints are “stress” “anxiety” and “overwhelm” those are typically cover problems. Or if you think of an iceburg, those are just the top of it, or the part we can see. In order to improve those things, we need to figure out what’s going on under the water.

If I’m generalizing, what I uncover is usually a massive lack of boundaries in this person’s life, both personally and professionally. They can’t (or won’t) say “no”, struggle with self awareness despite thinking they’re very self aware, struggle with emotional regulation, have no tools to help them relax or recharge, feel responsible for everything, cannot manage their time well, struggle to take care of their physical self, and have unreasonable expectations of themselves.

If you read that and thought “yeah that sounds like me!” then you’re on to something. Breaking it down, here are some bit sized steps I would consider to improve your experience of HFA.

1. Self-Awareness:

   • Acknowledge and accept that run anxious: You can’t manage it effectively if you don’t accept it.

   • Identify triggers: Recognize situations, thoughts, people and activities that tend to exacerbate your anxiety.

2. Relaxation & Downtime Habits:

   • Practice some kind of habit or hobby that allows you to decompress and disengage. This doesn’t have to be meditation but it can be. It can be anything that brings you joy and allows you to get a break from your regular life roles and duties. Prioritize self-care: Dedicate time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation.

   • Deep breathing exercises: Incorporate deep breathing exercises to help calm the nervous system and reduce physical tension. Mediation, exercise, walking, etc are all good options.

3. Establish Healthy Boundaries:

   • Learn to say no without guilt: Set realistic limits on your commitments to avoid overwhelming yourself.

   • Internal boundaries with yourself and external boundaries with others are the key to reducing your anxiety. Limits that are communicated and enforced by you cut down on overwhelm and stress.

   • You cannot improve HFA until you start identifying your needs and creating boundaries around protecting those needs. Typically when your boundary practice gets healthier, your HFA starts to decline.

4. Effective Time Management:

   • Break tasks into smaller steps: Divide larger tasks into more manageable components to prevent feeling overwhelmed.

   • Prioritize & triage tasks: Focus on the most important tasks first and avoid spreading yourself too thin. Always assume something will take longer than you think.

5. Stop Isolating:

   • Talk to someone: You aren’t an island-share your feelings with friends, family, or a therapist. Connection is key because it gets you out of your own head. with others can provide valuable support.

   • Ask someone for help and delegate. People want to help you.

6. Take Care of Your Physical Well-Being:

   • Regular exercise: Engaging in any kind of physical activity that you enjoy releases built-up tension and negative feelings from your body and nervous system. This helps you to feel BETTER.

   • Healthier lifestyle: Consider that your overall lifestyle impacts your anxiety and eating a more balanced diet of things you like, getting enough rest for your body, and drinking water will all help to improve your anxiety.

7. Mindful Information Consumption:

   • Limit exposure to stressors: Be aware of the information and stimuli you consume and allow yourself to be exposed to. Boundaries around the news and social media will reduce your anxiety almost immediately.

   • Don’t underestimate that consuming your friends’ and families’ social media posts can absolutely impact your anxiety.

   • Take breaks from screens: Unplugging periodically is good for your brain (i.e. dopamine levels) and setting limits around your screen consumption close to bedtime will also impact your anxiety positively.

A parting note-

Most self help books and resources (just like this post) place the burden on the individual to regulate their own nervous system rather than acknowledge that high functioning anxiety is in part due to people crushing under the weight of broken systems and structures that only value what we produce without complaining. Telling you how to fix your symptoms is just one more thing to do and you already have a lot going on. I’m just one person and I can’t fix all of the screwed up societal structures and messaging that have conditioned us to be this way, but it feels wrong to at least not acknowledge it.

You Can't Buy Self-Care

Self-care is a concept that has evolved in so many subtle and overt ways over the years that it is nearly unrecognizable to me today. So much so that I try my hardest to not use the term because I feel like it has become ubiquitous and one more task piled onto the invisible labor of women.

On a weekly basis my depleted and overworked clients log on for their sessions, telling me they feel like garbage and chastising themselves because “it’s my own fault I feel like this because I didn’t make any time for my self care.”

“Make time?” I’ll ask them…”do you hear what you’re saying?”

“You can’t make more hours in a day” I continue. ”You are exhausted because you’re busting your ass at the director level at work, you have two young kids (one of which will not sleep), your partner is traveling for work this week, the country is constantly crumbling around us, you’re doing hard work in therapy….”

….on and on and on.

This is part of the actual problem with the idea of self care that is sold to us….it’s a rigged system. And just like almost every other system in our country, it’s broken. We are led to believe that if we don’t find time for the solutions to make us feel better then it’s our fault. That if we don’t carve out the time then it’s on us to feel poorly because we aren’t taking care of ourselves. Even though we are taking care of everyone around us. Enter in wellness programs, bubble baths, face masks, wine, supplements, detoxes- products and methods that are outside of ourselves and promise to restore our exhaustion and breathe new life into us.

When we focus on these external tools, or faux self care as Dr. Lakshmin refers to it in her book Real Self-Care (which is in my cart as I write this!) we get sucked into comparison traps and don’t really address the actual problems in our life.

And to be very clear I’m not shaming any of the above…they can all be enjoyable and necessary forms of escapism (well maybe not the detoxes), and why wouldn’t we want to escape? Escapes are feel nice and we need them. But as soon as the escape is over, you’re plopped right back into your life and nothing has changed. And personally I don’t really enjoy the escape as much as I think I will and the front and back end work is usually never worth it.

So What Is True Self Care?

True self care is an intentional way of living that is directed by you internally. It can’t come from any other person, place or thing. Real self care is a way of thinking, being and making decisions. It is a verb, an action, not a noun.

Example:

Let’s say you love going a walk a few nights a week with your girlfriend who lives down the street. You get to catch up, vent, be a sounding board for another, get out of the house, and enjoy fresh air while moving your body. You look forward to it so much and if I asked you what you do for your “self care” these walks would absolutely be at the top of your list.

The reality is that your walks are just a tool, they are a method outside of you. You feel better when you do them, both emotionally and physically. In actuality, your real self care is all of the boundaries you’ve set in motion that allow you to keep your commitment to these walks such as:

-The things you said “no” to so you could continue to say yes to your friend & your commitment to walking with her.

-The way you made room in your schedule to allow for this to consistently happen and the planning you put in place.

-The negotiations you went through with your partner and children to accommodate this activity in your family’s evening schedule.

Those decisions and thought processes are your real self care. And the great thing is that if your tool (i.e. walking with your friend) changes for any reason, your real self care can be applied to something else. You can take those internal principles, and apply them to a new external tool. Maybe it’s running out for a manicure or meeting friends for dinner. The external method really doesn’t matter. What matters is that the self driven way you think and behave supports your values, needs and wants and then you’re able to use any tool that works for your particular circumstance or season of life.

Is a Stanley Cup Self Care?

In my own life I’ve found the methods of how I care for myself have changed drastically based on the season of life my family has been in and what shape my mental health is in, both of which are largely dictated by my children’s ages. The way I can step away from my roles and accommodate time for myself with a 9 year old and two almost 8 year olds looks wildly differently from how it did just a few years ago. When they were toddlers it seemed the second I stepped out of the house the timer began counting down and my tether home got tighter. I dreaded leaving because the price I paid was always so high when I came back. It was never worth it in the end.

It was really, really hard for a long time, not because my partner didn’t encourage me to take time for myself the way he did for himself, but because I mistakenly believed self care was supposed to come in the form of something outside of myself. I bought into the toxic messages that a new planner, water bottle or fitness program would bring me back to life. But they just left me feeling emptier…and with more shit I didn’t need. Eventually I found myself feeling more alone, overwhelmed, and exhausted than before. So I just stopped trying altogether.

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What I’ve found to be true is that I can enjoy the “faux self care”, the little escapes so much now that I have a substantive and meaty self care practice in place. After several painful years of identifying my values, figuring out what really matters to me and putting systems and processes in place I’m much better able to hold boundaries with myself and others.

If you’re struggling to figure out how to really take care of yourself, I want to say how unfair it is that it’s on us to continue doing this work. Taking care of yourself isn’t optimizing yourself, your body, your home or your life. I know it’s overwhelming and you’re so tired. So you can start by getting curious. Ask yourself, when will it ever be enough? Where did I learn that I have to constantly be in motion? What are my values and priorities? Where am I choosing to start opting out?

Having answers to these questions is where your journey to true self care really starts. Then you can create internal processes and boundaries with yourself around the answers. THAT is how you begin to negotiate your own care.

And none of that can be bought.

When You're Feeling Irritated About the Little Things...

You’ve probably always been a “good girl”. You don’t like to burden others with your needs, you keep the peace with a smile on your face and try to not rock the boat.

But underneath that persona is a bubbling, festering anger that has been around likely as long as you have, even though you’re not sure when it consciously started. If I had to guess, it’s usually when the micro violations of your boundaries as a child began and you were encouraged to look the other way and continue to be pleasing, nice and well behaved. And this made you feel angry. Today I’m going to jump into anger just a bit and how feeling irritable in your day to day life is usually sign that you’re bumping up against suppressed & unprocessed rage.

Two Main Reasons You Suppress Your Anger

1. Anger Feels Unsafe & Dangerous

Girls got the message at the youngest of ages that anger was a very unsafe emotion and was not to be messed with or tolerated for even a moment. And often for good reason. You possibly learned this if your father or other men in your life had explosive behavior and your mother or other female caregivers would swoop in, ready to calm him and fix the situation. This taught you that all anger was ugly, scary and bad. It also likely taught you to adopt a protector identity similar to what you saw your mom or other female caregivers doing- fix, care for others, tolerate others’ unsafe behavior while shoving down your own emotions so that you can keep the peace and earn approval. (If this happened in your home growing up and you see similar patterns in yourself you might want to read about the tend & befriend response).

You maybe also had a mother who had volatile emotional outbursts so your first introduction to anger was seeing her experience with the emotion. It felt like she was never in control of her emotions and that was scary.

2. Good Girls Are Not Angry Girls.

The reflex to suppress your anger and call it things like “irritation” or “annoyance” is hugely to do with the belief that if you want to be attractive, pleasing to others and approved you then you need to be pleasant. Chill. Agreeable. Smiling. Nice. Not angry.

How many “crazy angry woman” tropes are there to support this cultural belief? Like Taylor sings, no one likes a mad woman. And if you’re a white woman consider yourself lucky. Black women have far less leeway in our society to express even an ounce of their rage lest they be labeled an “angry black woman”.

Shoving It Down

Shoving down your anger is lying to yourself day in and day out. It’s exhausting and essentially living a boundary-less life with yourself. When you’ve learned that anger is bad, unattractive and displeasing you are trying to shut off half of the spectrum of the human experience. You cannot selectively numb emotions, good or bad. If you’re trying to numb out your anger you’re also numbing out positive emotions too. When we avoid anger it doesn’t go away and it in my experience it shows up in two ways:

1. Irritability

2. Self destructive behaviors, self-loathing & blame

Anger is essential and it is incredibly powerful. But when you close off access to your anger you’ve severed the connection to your body and you no longer have agency in how you will respond to the things life throws at you. You need your anger. It is an ally, just one that requires tools to make sure it’s identified, used and processed in a way that helps you.

Think of anger like your protector.

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Consider Embracing a Relationship With Anger

Look, there is plenty to be pissed off about and that is never going to change. Frankly I only find the world to be more infuriating and I have to find new ways every day to channel my rage in ways that do not harm me or those around me.

Here are some ways to give this a try:

1. Consider the ways you avoid confrontation and how you collapse your own boundaries for the sake of approval and love. Consistently shape shifting to meet everyone else’s needs while ignoring our disconnecting from our own creates the perfect storm for festering rage and resentment. If you live a boundary-less life or you are consistently pulling back on your boundaries, this is a good place to start in the rebuilding of your relationship with anger.

2. Stop saying cover words like “that was really annoying or irritating” when you really mean “infuriating, vexing, maddening” etc. Say what you mean.

3. Commit to authenticity. Be radically yourself. Don’t say Thai food sounds good when you kind of wanted Italian. And if you don’t actually know what you want or need, it’s time to figure that out. Yes it’s terrifying and it probably requires some therapy and soul searching. 100% worth the effort.

4. Get it out of you. Literally. I know you’re tired of hearing therapists say emotions live in and are stored in your body but they are, so you need to be moving your body every single day to give those emotions a way out of you. If you don’t, they’re literally just stuck there. Think of all that anger just sitting there, eating away at you. Talk about self destructive. Try something with punching, kicking, dancing, lifting heavy, throwing something, etc. Anything that mimics a transfer of energy out of you.

5. Name your anger. When you’re mad, say you’re mad. Even if only to yourself. Stop saying something isn’t a big deal if it is to you.

6. Know there isn’t always a solution but get curious about its function. I love to think of anger as an alert system; it’s there to tell me something. Usually boundary has been crossed and I’ve folded or maybe there is a threat in my periphery. Anytime I can get curious about it instead of avoiding it I’m in a much healthier relationship with my anger. It doesn’t mean I’m solving it or fixing it, but I’m in a much more productive dance with it. How can you be more curious about what your anger is trying to tell you?

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An Important Note-

Not all anger can be safely expressed and there isn’t always a time and place to get it out. Often women burst into tears when we feel rage because it’s the only way we know how to express our anger. That’s okay too! Not all emotions need to be released in an active, external way in order to be processed, but they do have to be identified and acknowledged internally by you to not be avoided and numbed out.

You don’t have to always “expel” your anger outwardly; just identifying and naming your experience can do wonders for building a healthier relationship with anger.

Stay curious friend,

Melissa

How Do I Know I'm On The Right Path?

Client- “Oh God, I think I’m having a midlife crisis.”

Me- “I don’t believe in midlife crises.”

Client- “Okay, good I don’t either… but I’m having some kind of life crisis then!”

If you’re in your 30’s and 40’s this panic stricken thought is coming for you at some point or another. And yes, the idea that you’re “mid-life” could be somewhat terrifying, sure. But what is really at the core of this panic is the question of “is what I’m doing with my life what I should be doing with my life?” “Is what I’m doing RIGHT THING?” Lasered in more sharply, that might sound like…

-Is this the right career for me?

-Is this the right company for me?

-Did I chose the wrong partner?

-Should I become a parent? (Or scarier…should I have not become a parent?)

-Am I living in the wrong city?

These questions can change daily and at the root of these is a desire to know if we’re on the right path. If you are prone to running anxious, or better yet know you have high functioning anxiety, it makes sense that want reassurance that you’re on the right path with your life choices.

We often hear assurances like “trust your gut”, or “when it’s right you’ll just know” but that is unhelpful if you run anxious, have a history of complex trauma, did not have healthy attachments in your family growing up, etc.

So how do you know you’re on the right path?

I wish I had a magic wand and could give you a definitive answer or a formula that you could use to plug all of the variables into. Unfortunately I have neither. But what I can give you are some trauma informed clues to lean into that will give you hints, glimmers if you will, that you’re on the right path.

Clues you’re on the right path:

• You don’t betray yourself. You’re aren’t put in positions where you have to betray who you are and be someone else.

• You’re not negotiating your sense of integrity.

• You don’t have to lie. (Fun exercise…see if you can make it through a whole day without telling one lie.)

• When you don’t have to compromise who you are.

• Even though circumstances are challenging you feel peaceful and accepting of them.

• You feel less anxiety about the outcome and more curiosity about the process.

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A Word About the ‘Ole Mid-Life Crisis….

I do not believe in the mid-life crisis in the traditional sense of the word and subscribe to the idea that we all go through transitional periods every few years, or “lifequakes” as Bruce Feiler refers to them in his book Life is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age. He discovered that we all go through dozens of life disruptors over the course of a lifetime and what is important is how we transition and ride out the waves. If you’re wrestling with all of the “what am I doing with my life?!” “am I on the right path?” questions, you might want to check his book out. I loved it and definitely recommend.

What helps you feel settled when you question if you’re on the right path?

Why Do I Care So Much If People LIke Me?

You obsess over social exchanges with acquaintances. You hold back setting limits with that one friend that drains you but worry if you decline her invitations to hang out she won’t invite you anymore.

You re-run conversations you had with friends at dinner over and over after you get home that night…

“Did I say something stupid?”

“Does they still like me?”

“Is there a group text going on right now without me on it?”

A friend stops returning your texts or turning down your invitations to go on a walk and after mentally combing through every single thing you’ve ever said you really can’t figure out why this would happen. Maybe she just don’t like me anymore? Oof.

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Let me start with this- wanting to be liked by others is a normal human disposition and desire. Even those of you claim you are independent and “people can’t take me or leave me!” inherently have a desire to be liked. This is an adaptive want and not a weakness. You’re normal if you want people to like you. Now that we have that out of the way…

Not everyone is going to like you.

And you cannot control that with your behavior, thoughts or feelings. People either won’t like us because of the way we’re acting or because of something unresolved in them that they are projecting onto us. Either way, you can make yourself crazy trying to figure out the “why” and working harder to earn someone’s stamp of approval is not the way to be more likeable. Your choices are asking the person for clarification and acceptance.

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Why Do I Care So Much?

There are a lot of variables contributing to why we care if someone likes us and I believe those who have trauma in their past are predisposed to caring even more. Here are other common contributors:

• You were often told to change parts of yourself as a child and never felt like you were allowed to fully be who you are. Messages from school, family or friends that you weren't acceptable as you are gave you the sense there was always something that needed to change about you. If you're liked by others this refutes that internal pull to always need to fix something about yourself.

• You don't have a strong sense of yourself and who you are, so you look to other people's opinions of you to form that for you. If they like you, then you can like you. If their opinion is positive then it allows you to see yourself positively as well.

• We equate being liked with being safe, loved and accepted. If we are liked then we feel secure and that gives us a checkmark of approval that who we are must be okay.

• We are social beings and wired for connection; we cannot thrive in isolation. Being liked means we are connected to someone which biologically can feel safe.

• Most adults experienced teasing, bullying or social ostracization as a child. Emotional health & inclusion was not prioritized in school and sports settings in the 1980's & 90's the way it is now so many adults today have wounds related to be left out and picked on. The desire to be liked as an adult is often related to those wounds seeking to be healed.

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Tips for Not Caring As Much

1. Create rituals and belief systems for yourself that help you self validate. Caring if someone else likes you comes down to wanting them to validate your existence. When you are able to inherently do this for yourself the need for others to do this by liking you decreases in intensity. This can look like having small celebratory rituals for yourself for accomplishments, regularly telling yourself how proud you are of yourself, buy yourself flowers (hey Miley) etc. This is not an easy thing to do by the way, and a really workable goal in therapy.

2. Try to remember it’s not all about you. If someone isn’t replying to a text, has gone MIA for awhile or forgot to include you to a group dinner, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you. Most people have a lot going on that you don’t even know about (mental health struggles, concerns about their kids, marriage issues, work stress etc) and they aren’t always showing up as their most considerate version of themselves. Now if these things are a pattern, then yeah, maybe there is something to it. But keep in mind most people are not thinking of how much they like or you not; they usually just wrapped up in their own stuff. We’re all the center of our universes.

3. Take small social risks. Do things you normally wouldn’t do because you worry about what other people would think. Wear something you normally wouldn’t wear because you fear judgement but truly want to wear. Speak up in a meeting. The more social risks you take the less you start to care.

4. Focus on the outcome. What’s the worst that can happen…a bruised ego? When you’re feeling worried a person is directing “I don’t like” energy toward you remember that there isn’t anything that bad that can come from someone not preferring you. Unless you are being harassed or bullied (which is not what I’m talking about here) it is okay to not be the most popular, the most liked, the prettiest, etc. You get the idea. You will be okay…trust yourself that you can handle the feeling of disappointment. It is merely a feeling.

A Parting Word of Caution

Sometimes, people who dislike you have legitimate reason to do so. Being genuinely yourself doesn’t do much good if you are genuinely being a jerk who refuses to change anything. For example, if your friends are telling you that your brutal honesty is a little too brutal, maybe it’s time to do some soul searching and make some changes. Part of growth is keeping an open mind to feedback and constructive criticism, knowing that we all have plenty of to learn about ourselves. We are all evolving and that is a wonderful thing.

Are You Hyper-Independent?

“I do it myself!”

If you’ve ever tried to help a headstrong toddler who is paving their path in the world put on their shoes you’ve probably heard “I DO IT MYSELF!” or something similar shouted at you in frustration. And while it’s sort of cute when a two year old does it once or twice, it isn’t quite as cute when you can’t get your girlfriend to just let you take her out to dinner because you know she’s had a week.

We’ve all been encouraged to ask for help when we need it, but what about when it isn’t that easy? What if you know that asking for and accepting help might make things simpler or easier for you, but you just can’t seem to do it? This is can be referred to as hyper-independence and it can be a real detriment to your mental health.

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If you haven’t heard of this concept before, hyper-independence is when you take on life circumstances independent of others, even when it has a negative impact on your life. This might be confusing to some because independence is so often thought of as as a great strength. The problem with hyper-independence is that humans are wired for connection; we literally need one another to survive. So approaching life through the lens of “me vs. the world” doesn’t allow you to ever depend on another person. It’s also a sustainable approach to life in you’re in a partnership. And I hate to break it to you, but we all have to depend on someone.

What Can Hyper-Independence Look Like?

-Repeatedly saying no when needed help is offered

-Declining offers to collaborate on a work project that is too big for you to handle alone

-Assuming someone would not want to help you without ever actually asking if they would

-A dislike of needy people

-Handling a complicated medical condition alone without telling a trusted friend or family member

-Feeling like no one understands you

-Getting behind on work projects because you don’t understand a need but will not ask for clarification, direction or help

-Thinking you can complete more tasks than you can

-Have a hard time trusting or relying on someone else

-Stretching yourself beyond your capacity repeatedly

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Why Am I Like This?

Hyper-independence can be rooted in past trauma; maybe you learned that others will always disappoint you so you choose to not trust anyone again. It can also be a function of your role in your family system growing up. Maybe you didn’t have any other choice but to only rely on yourself to meet your needs. You also might have been expected to take duties that were more parent-like as a child, resulting in some parentified behaviors. Maybe there were dynamics in your family or circumstances in your upbringing that taught you that people are not safe & you truly can only depend on yourself.

Maybe your body reacts negatively when someone offers help (your stomach lurches, you feel flushed, you get angry etc) and you take that as a sign that help = danger.

Regardless of origin, if you notice this about yourself or maybe this trait is causing problems in your relationships, this is a GREAT issue to work through with a therapist; either through therapy or coaching.

What is harmed in relationships is healed in relationships, so if you’ve tried working on this on your own & haven’t really made progress, consider working with a trusted clinician. ✨

Some Things That Are Totally Normal...

One of the many perks of being a therapist is that I often hear parallel versions of my own “oddball” thoughts as my clients are processing through their own and I'm reminded constantly that we are never, ever alone in our challenges. When a client asks me “am I the only one who struggles with……” it feels so good when I can emphatically and honestly tell them “no, you’re not.”

Whenever I hearing recurring themes popping up in sessions and I usually think it would be nice if we could normalize these thoughts so people wouldn’t feel so alone for having them.

So let’s normalize some really normal stuff shall we?

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1. Not wanting to be the “best version” of yourself all the time. We are the product of a capitalistic society that is always pushing us to be our best. Millenial women are obsessed with always bettering ourselves, becoming exceptional and feeling like we’re never good enough. But we don’t always need to be our best self. We can just….be. We can not always have our shit together. We can be late, or not meal plan and actually not be mad at ourselves about it. Let’s normalize being okay with that.

2. Not having every corner of your home looking aesthetically pleasing. We can blame it on Pinterest or the ‘gram, but having a curated peek into each other’s lives gives us a false belief that we are the only ones whose homes do not look like the pages of a high end home design catalogue at any given time. I VOLUNTARILY subscribed to the Chris Loves Julia newsletter and despite loving them, when their newsletter shows up in my inbox it makes me feel like shit about my own otherwise lovely home. “Why can’t I get it together to start some projects like they do?” I’ll ask myself. And then I see the major corporate sponsors and remember their home is literally their JOB. They employ a team of people to make it all happen and they make a very robust living while doing so. So if you feel like that too sometimes let’s normalize boring builder grade, lived in spaces that aren’t aesthetically pleasing 100% of the time.

3. Being okay with not wanting more. Along the same lines as number one, it’s okay to not always be wanting more. Maybe you your next career move is a lateral one, not an ascent that gives you more responsibility and power. What if you don’t actually want more money or a bigger house? (I mean, are you watching The Watcher on Netflix?) That is okay! Just because culture glorifies more as better doesn’t mean it actually is. More is just more.

4. Not always liking the people you love. This is normal. So very, very normal. You can be a “good”wife, daughter, mother, sister etc and not always like the people whom you love very much.

5. Being okay with your food not being the most optimal every time. Yes, nutrient dense foods are valuable but I think our culture’s current wellness obsession is just an updated, bougie version of the Slimfast, Jenny Craig diet culture many of us grew up with (which is a conversation for another day). For those of us who run anxious with a side of rule following & perfectionism, we fall for this wellness trap hard. I know I have. So let’s normalize eating “processed” foods when “better” (whatever that means to you) choices are aren’t available. Don’t not eat because the perfect or optimal meal isn’t available. Let’s normalize eating what we can, when we can because sometimes that’s the best we can do. And that is PERFECTLY FINE.

6. Putting people on a need to know basis. Sometimes we forget that most people really don’t need to know all the details about what is going on with us. Just because someone is asking doesn’t mean you have to tell all. You are allowed to hold back and not share all the things. Truly, no one is entitled to your thoughts and feelings. You likely pride yourself on being an authentic and genuine person and the thought of holding back makes you feel otherwise. But remember not everyone has earned the privilege of being let into the more private parts of your life and it is normal to hold boundaries around what you share with others.

7. Occasionally wanting to blow up your entire life. This is one I hear the most and probably creates the most shame. Even when you have a life you feel immensely grateful for it’s normal to feel suffocated by it and all of the responsibility it carries. If you sometimes feel like you are *this close* to buying a one way ticket to wherever, congratulations you’re normal. Now if you feel like this more often that not, you might want to chat that through with someone, but if you sometimes fantasize about throwing a grenade into your day that feels more like a military operation than a life, you’re not alone.

Remember, we’re all much more alike than we are different.

Melissa

Is Everyone In Therapy But Me?

Gone are the days when being in therapy was hush hush. More people are talking about their experience in therapy now more than ever and I absolutely love it. I believe this is a upside to the pandemic and an intersection of a few factors:

1. More people reached a breaking point because we experienced a universal stressor at the same time. We didn’t experience it the same way but there is no one it didn’t impact. If the virus itself wasn’t the stressor I’ve found it’s what the stressor has done to your relationships, career, stress management etc that has led people to therapy.

2. Telehealth. Therapy was luckily a healthcare service that could be provided virtually and after 2.5 years we now know it works just as well, if not better in some cases, over video. The accessibility to therapy is unmatched and telehealth removes most barriers, especially for women. Fitting therapy in between work meetings without leaving your office is amazing. Having therapy during your child’s naptime is unheard of. But here we are and we’re never going back.

3. Therapists filled a need. Many therapists left agencies and group practices during this time and went out on their own. Why? See 1 & 2 :)

So How Could Therapy Help Me?

Therapy is a tool, but at its core it is a relationship. A good therapeutic relationship consists of an emotional bond of trust, collaboration, caring, and an agreement of the goals and tasks of therapy. Many people think of therapy as a therapist just sitting and listening and nodding their head and saying “well how does that make you feel?” And while I suppose maybe it’s like that with some therapists, therapy can help you see yourself differently and teach you how to manage your thoughts and emotions in a more useful way that feels better. Much of that is done through mutual decision making and collaboration within the therapeutic relationship.

You might be wondering if your issues seem “not that bad” or if you don’t have a mental health diagnosis would you be judged for going to therapy? My answer is a big NO! Frankly, who are you to say what is bad and what isn’t? It’s all relative and you can drown in 2 inches of water or 10 feet of water just the same. So how about you don’t drown?

Perfectly valid reasons to go to and stay in therapy:

• Get insight into a specific issue you can’t discuss with people in your life. Confidentiality is a beautiful thing. Perhaps you want to discuss the future of a partnership, changing careers, infidelity, sexuality…topics you do not want to bring up in your trusted friendships. These are great things to explore with a therapist.

• To be seen for who you truly are. This sounds odd considering the therapist is at first a stranger, but because of the strong boundaries your therapist holds it’s almost like you can keep everything you share with them in a container. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable after they’ve build trust with you, your therapist can see you for who you truly are because they are not looking to get their needs met in this relationship. We all need to be heard and seen authentically. Once this happens it bolsters our confidence to take our true self out into the real world and show up authentically.

• To have one hour that is fully, 100% about you. Need I say more?

• To have dedicated time to explore who you really are. Many women have no idea who we really are. Our identities get wrapped up into our professional roles and our domestic and caretaking roles that we one day we wake up and realize we aren’t sure we know who is looking back at us in the mirror. Therapy is a wonderful place to explore “who TF am I?”

• To have an true ally in your corner. Without sounding insane to my clients who I know read this, I cannot stress to you how much your therapist cares about you. They think about you, root for you…say a quick prayer for you on the day they know you’re planning to have that hard conversation you were nervous about….you get the idea. Yes, it’s a transactional relationship and you are paying them for their service & expertise, but they will be one of the only people who you can’t ever let down (‘cause it’s not about us or our needs) and will always be Arsenio Hall style cheering for you.

• To break unhealthy generational cycles before repeating them with your own children. One of the HARDEST things about being a mother is reparenting yourself while parenting the child in front of you. It is brutal. It is heartbreaking , exhausting and scary. And NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. It’s of course hard when you’ve had a rocky relationship with your own mother but it’s also hard when you’ve had a pretty good one! It’s pretty much impossible for our mothers to have met all of our needs (**particular our moms in the Boomer generation as they definitely did not get their own needs met when they were little girls) and you don’t really realize some of the ways you could use some reparenting yourself until you’re trying to be the parent to your own child. Therapy helps with that :)
  
  

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Lastly, even going through insurance for therapy can be cost prohibitive. If budget constraints prevent you from starting therapy be sure to check out Open Path Collective. They are a therapist collective platform that has demonstrated ethical and clinically appropriate care OpenPathCollective.Org

Be well,

Melissa

Easing Into a New Year

I’m team “new year same me” forever and ever but the freshness and promise of new year does matter to most of us. You might not be wanting to make any drastic changes or commitments to resolutions (and I hope you aren’t) but there is something nice and special about starting fresh.

With that being said, there isn’t anything magical about January! It’s just the month that comes after December and frankly most of us are exhausted. When people ask how my Christmas break was I think “break?”…what break? That was f’ing exhausting. I was supposed to have a break? January is the break, people.

So if your blinders are working overtime to protect you from capitalistic marketing mania; all of the noise that lures you into believing the perfect planner, storage bin system, water bottle, or diet is gonna fix all your problems- here are a few tips to help you effectively take stock of what you actually want to be intentional about and go after in 2023.

• Take the pressure off of January. Seriously, don’t think of it as a month of action, it’s a month of rest, reflection and recuperation. It is unnatural to feel energetic and ready take on the world in the winter…it quite literally goes against our body’s biology and the season if you live in the Northern Hemisphere. And if you’re a woman in America you’re tired AF after the holidays. I go inward in January, and this usually lasts through February. I take stock of the last year (I’ll tell you how further down) and slowly create some intentions from there. I don’t turn and burn until the spring (see below).

• Shift the idea of goal or intention setting/adjusting to spring and fall. This doesn’t work for everyone and this definitely is not what the productivity gurus of the world will tell you to do, but it tends to flow better with our natural energy and the seasons.

• Reflect on the last year. I do this by looking through my camera roll from the last year. I mark a few favorites from each month and try to identify a theme to those pictures…what feeling is coming up? If I want more of that feeling in the new year, how can I get it? How do I make more time in my life to go after it? I use those questions to decide what I want to be intentional about in the new year. If I notice there aren’t many pictures of me with friends or traveling and I want more of that, then that is something I will want to be more intentional of going after in the new year to get more of.

  If you keep journal go back through and read your entries from the year. What was important to you? That will show you what your values are and then you can inventory if that’s what you want to continue or if there are changes you want to make. Jot down what you want more of and less of.

• Do you feel like yourself? If you felt like yourself in 2022, great! Whatever you did to feel that way, keep doing it. If not, this is a solid foundation to build from. Maybe you don’t even know what that looks like. This is a very common obstacle after having kids, especially once they’re out of the toddler stage, getting into school and physically needing you less. You have some time to get back to you but you don’t know who you is. Maybe this is the year you figure out who she is now. Reflecting on how to feel like yourself and then make it happen is a great intention for the new year.

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Be careful with S.M.A.R.T. goals. Now, don’t come after me productivity geniuses. Yeah, they work within certain contexts but many people suffer because of their black and white thinking and begin to experience much more joy when they get away from the all or nothing mindset. S.M.A.R.T. goals are the embodiment of black and white thinking but they don’t take into account that we cannot control most things. So yes, go ahead and make them if they are helpful to you, but for the sake of self compassion, maybe build a plan for resilience into them as well?

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10 Questions for Reflection

These questions are will help prompt you to get you thinking about the last year and what you want for the coming year.

1. How do I want to feel about myself next year?

1. What made me feel like myself?

2. What do I like about myself?

3. What worked well last year that I want to continue this year?

4. What didn’t feel good last year that I want less of this year?

5. What ritual would I love to develop and stick to?

6. What am I really proud of from last year?

7. How did I feel about myself last year?

8. What’s something I didn’t think I could do/get through last year but I did?

9. What am I looking forward to this year?

(bonus* what am I done giving a shit about?)

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Don’t forget…follow me on Insta…@yourmodernmentalhealth

Cheers to fresh starts!

XO,

Melissa

Signs That Therapy Is Helping

One of the harder things about a self growth or healing journey is that there isn’t an objective way to measure your progress. If you loved getting good grades in school and you thrive when you can quantify success, the therapeutic process can be a real adjustment. Even though yes, you set goals with your therapist this isn’t a gold star kind of situation. Meaningful change takes time; not simply the passage of time but repetition, practice and consistency. When you’re deconstructing beliefs about yourself and behaviors that you’ve clung to for decades, things can actually seem worse before they get better. Which is totally normal by the way.

So if you’ve been doing “the work” for awhile and you aren’t sure which way is up from down, here are some subtle signs it is working.

1.You pause before reacting.

No matter what kind of goals you’re working on, most of us get ourselves into trouble when we act before we think or feel. Learning how to pause is a monumental skill and learning how to do this is a gift we give ourselves. Even if you still aren’t thrilled with your reaction, if you notice that you’re pausing first, you are on the right track.

2.You don’t take responsibility for another’s emotions or behaviors.

Learning to separate your emotional experience from another’s is freedom, particularly for women. Releasing yourself from the belief that you are responsible for keeping those around you happy and at peace changes your life.

3.You start believing new things about yourself.

It’s a really cool thing, as an adult, to start believing completely new thoughts about yourself. When you consider new possibilities this means you’re getting curious!

4.You choose being authentic to yourself above all else.

This is a sign that you have realized that not living in integrity costs you your peace, and nothing is worth that.

5.You start listening to your gut instinct more instead of always questioning it.

When you start listening to your intuition instead of questioning it, this is a sign that you’re developing more self trust. Keep going.

6.Tolerating the discomfort of knowing you disappointed someone isn’t that bad.

This is a big one for so many of us but once you do this a few times and survive, you begin to see that it wasn’t that bad. If you live your life making every effort to not disappoint people, tolerating the discomfort of knowing you disappointed someone in an effort to put yourself first is hard. But once you get the hang of it, progress accelerates.

7.You have more plans than you do worries.

Planning and worrying are not the same thing, and when you notice that you’re able to take a worry and turn it into a plan in case that thing were to happen, you are swimming with the current vs. against it. The bad things that could potentially happen have much less power over you.

8.You observe and get curious about your feelings instead of shoving them down or judging them.

Figuring out how your feelings impact your world is a common experience in therapy. I hear everything from “I’m not emotional at all” to “I’m too emotional about everything”. When you find yourself feeling more balanced and that your feelings aren’t negatively influencing your behavior, that’s a good sign.

What In the World Is Reparenting?

Reparenting seems to be a buzz word as of late so it’s worth a discussion about what it is and why it might be helpful for you to do it.

I think each generation has its own unique pain points and struggles when it comes to parenting; parenting feels hard because it IS hard and no one has it easy. For the millennial generation, I believe our unique pain point is that we are the first generation trying to actively reparent ourselves WHILE parenting our children. We are the first generation who has jumped into therapy feet first, likely because most of our formative, or “best”, years of lives have run parallel to national tragedies. When I look back….I was in high school=Columbine, college=9/11, finished grad school=market crash, pregnant=Sandy Hook…I could keep going and I’m sure you could do this too. And of course we all have our own personal experiences layered in there as well.

A result of all of this therapy is that many of us are learning how our unmet needs from childhood are showing up in our lives today. Whether you are a parent or not, your unmet needs impact how you think, feel and behave today. The good news is that we can do something about it now that we are adults! We can actually rewire some of that old wiring in our brains and reparent ourselves.

The hard part is that for a lot of us, we don’t start figuring all of this out until we are well into motherhood when we are already exhausted and stretched beyond our means. It’s still absolutely worth doing the work though.

So What Is Reparenting?

Reparenting means that as an adult you meet the needs for yourself that were not met for you as a child. Kids depend on their parents for everything, not just their basic needs, but things like learning how to set a boundary, how to set limits, how to follow a routine, how to solve conflict, how to communicate, how to manage feelings etc.

If you don’t get age appropriate models of communication, accountability, unconditional love, or tools to regulate your emotions you very likely will deal with these issues well into adulthood.

Many of my clients come to me because they are struggling with one of those things in adulthood. It’s causing problems in their life today and they usually feel pretty bad about it. We tend to think “well I’m an adult, I’m a successful yada yada, I am a mother, I should know how to do this, but I just can’t get it together”. But we usually don’t know how to meet our own needs unless it was modeled for us. Even with good parents who had the best of intentions, it’s not likely they were able to model for you everything you needed.

Reparenting yourself means that you are likely excavating things you had long ago buried, which requires emotional labor and possibly asking for some repair on the part of your caregivers. It’s hard work! It’s why I will argue that millennial parents are the most stressed parents to date. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t totally worth doing the work. Not only does allow you to be more compassionate with yourself, it allows you to be compassionate with your children.

Sounds Hard…How Do You Do This?

Reparenting yourself is an ongoing, dynamic process that you can do on your own or alongside someone you trust. Usually this person is a therapist or a safe person who can help you identify your unmet needs and take the appropriate steps to begin meeting them. Usually these needs fall into the categories of:

-Communication

-Setting Boundaries and/or Setting Limits

-Self Care/Self Discipline

-Self Validation

-Resolving Conflict

-Feeling Unconditional Love, Acceptance or Worthiness

For example, you were a child who needed a lot of structure and limits but you had a strong personality and a parent who didn’t know how to embody their authority. You never learned how to set boundaries and limits for yourself and really struggle with self discipline as an adult. Reparenting yourself could start by beginning a weekly routine, disciplining yourself by making your bed every morning and setting a timer for your vitamins at night.

The therapist often slides into a parental role and can help you take back that role for yourself. It’s really fascinating work and personally I love doing it.

A Quick Note Before You Panic

If you’re a parent reading this please remember it is impossible for us to meet every need our child has. I have three children, all of whom are unique people, vastly different from one another. I have to parent, teach and communicate with each one in a different way and it is not reasonable to believe I’m not going to get something wrong. So yes, your kids are going to have some reparenting of their own to do no matter how wonderful of a job you do. Perfection is not your goal. The idea that you should be a perfectly attuned parent who just has happy kids all the time does the greatest disservice to your children in the long run and sets them up to be adults who have no idea how to navigate the complexities of the world. Not screwing up is not the goal and never should be. Please consider this your permission to release yourself from that expectation :)

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Resources to Help

Podcast Episode Recommendations:

All three of the episodes below feature Dr. Becky Kennedy, a psychologist who specializes in coaching parents. She has been making the podcast rounds promoting her new book, Good Inside, and I really enjoyed each of these interviews. I found the third episode listed below to be the most helpful personally as a parent, but found value in all of them.

Gwyneth Paltrow x Becky Kennedy: Finding the Good In Us

Breaking Cycles & Reparenting Yourself With Dr. Becky Kennedy

How To Raise Untamed Kids with Dr. Becky Kennedy

She also has online workshops you can have take (I’ve taken a couple myself!) that may pertain to your particular parenting struggle. Definitely worth checking out if you’re feeling like you could use some direction, tools and assurance that everything is going to be okay even when you didn’t get this as a child yourself.

Book Recommendations:

No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model, Richard Schwartz, PhD

The Way of Integrity, Martha Beck

It Didn’t Start With You, Mark Wolynn

Why Is It So Hard To Find A Good Therapist?

At least once a week (usually more) someone will reach out to me and ask for guidance in finding a therapist to help them with xyz issue. They usually start with Google, explore a few listings, call or email some…they don’t hear back or maybe they don’t get a great vibe. They have a million other things going on and forget about it and falls off the radar. Getting yourself to a place to begin therapy can be exhausting in and of itself, so when the process of actually finding someone is even harder, it’s a non-starter.

Today I’m going to address some common questions and issues that might make the process a little easier for you and shed some light on the topic.

Where the Hell Are They?

Considering any bit of information we could ever want is literally sitting in a glass box in our hand it is astonishing how hard it is to find your therapist. Most modern therapists are hiding right in plain sight, you just have to know where to look for them. The quickest way to find the best therapist for you requires you to make yourself a little a vulnerable. It means you have to tell people you are looking for a therapist and ask if they know of anyone or have any recommendations. This ensures you are getting a name from someone you know, like and trust. This already gets you through a couple layers of vetting and does some leg work for you. (This does the same thing for the therapist too btw).

Your friend might say “I’m not seeing one right now but my sister is seeing someone she loves, I’ll get a name for you.” She can get you that name, you now have a point of contact. Even if that therapist is full or doesn’t specialize in what you need, it’s likely they’ll take a minute to talk to you and give you a couple of names. This is how I get the majority of my clients and I do this for people all the time.

When a referral comes into my inbox I ensure they are either getting on my schedule or they are leaving my inbox with a couple of referrals and instructions on how to get appointments.

Please don’t be afraid to ask around!!

All for the ‘Gram

For better or worse Instagram has become the single most useful marketing platform and an excellent place to find a therapist. Who would have thought? (Tik Tok is as well but you have to remember a geriatric millennial is authoring this blog post so the buck stops at IG for me.) A potential client can book a discovery call on my calendar directly from my Instagram profile, all from their phone without getting up from the couch. It makes the process as easy and possible which is exactly what I want for them.

Instagram is my second largest referral source for clients which means women hire me after finding me on Instagram…which is wild! I would highly encourage you to follow therapists who have professional accounts before you consider working with them. This will give you a really good feel for what it would be like to work with them, what their areas of expertise are, their values and what their style and approach will feel like. One of the benefits of having my own practice and seeing clients virtually is that I have time to create educational content that I can share for free on Instagram and that gives potential clients a sense of my style, my personality and my areas of expertise.

Someone who follows me for just one week will get a good feel of my personality, how I spend my time and what kind of life I value. And that I say the word fuck a lot and if that is a turn off for them it’s better to learn that up front! By the time they book a consultation call they feel like they already know me and we’re just hashing out logistics and details. All that to say, finding your therapist or coach on Instagram is very much the norm these days so don’t be afraid to go that route.

Search hashtags for your city, the issue you are looking for help with (i.e. #grieftherapist #ocd #anxietyrelief #ohtherapy #perfectionism #familydynamicstherapist #birthtrauma #infertilitysupporttherapist ) and you will see accounts that populate. Social media is problematic in so many ways but it fosters connection and education in wonderful ways too. Use it to your advantage!

Insurance vs. Private Pay

For a long time people would use their insurance provider as a referral source for a therapist. The problem with this is that over time many therapists stopped participating in the insurance system (which is a very complex issue I can get into another time, but no, it’s not because therapists are greedy!) so the ones that do have significant wait times and caseloads that are far too big to manage. So people who wanted therapy through their insurance have to wait a really long time to get it and the people getting it risked getting less than optimal clinical care because their therapist was overworked and underpaid. This is a generalization and of course not true everywhere, but with our more acute mental health crisis I’m fairly confident in saying this is more common than not.

Going private pay opens up a world of possibilities for both the client and therapist. Therapists can provide care in the way they best see fit based on their experience and education, not the way the insurance plan is mandating them to. Most private pay therapists are out of network providers so if your insurance plan reimburses you for all or a percentage of your services, that means that technically you are able to utilize your insurance benefits for mental health. You pay for your sessions up front and your therapist gives you a superbill each month. Submit it to insurance and they reimburse you. I have all of my clients check with their provider before we start our work together to see if they have this benefit and at least half do. It’s a win/win. Many also use HSA/FSA credit cards as well.

There is nothing wrong with using your insurance plan for therapy, but it does come with strings attached. We pay a criminal amount of money every month for insurance…we should be able to use it. In an ideal world insurance wouldn’t be for profit and we would all be able to get optimal mental health care easily. Again, a conversation for another day.

What about Betterhelp & Talkspace?

If you follow me on Instagram you might have heard me share my opinion on these platforms. TL;DR it’s not good. You know the sayings “if it sounds too good to be true it is” and “you get what you pay for”? Well…pretty much that.

These two are platforms are run by tech entrepreneurs, not therapists or anyone with a clinical background. They are wrought with ethical violations, have no safety plans or considerations for those with risk of self harm, grossly underpay and mistreat therapists and sell client private health information (HIPAA? I don’t know her.)

While I am ALL FOR affordable and accessible therapy, I cannot ethically recommend these two.

(There are other platforms on the market that are more ethical, however I can’t speak to them personally.)

What Questions to Ask

When you’re vetting a therapist here are some helpful questions to ask. This is even more important if you didn’t have a warm handoff (i.e. someone you know recommended this therapist). Before I work with someone I always do a free discovery call (30 minutes) to help them to vet me and I can screen them. If a therapist in private practice is not willing to do a free consultation with you that’s a red flag (agency is different).

-What’s your therapy style?

-Have you been to therapy before?

-How will I know if working together is helping?

-What issues are you really good at working with?

-What are your opinions of polyvagal theory & trauma informed care?

-What if I get stuck in therapy?

-How do you take care of yourself?

This is by no means a comprehensive list but a seasoned and confident therapist would be able to talk about these openly and easily.

Therapist vs. Coach

Since the world shifted to a virtual platform the last two years therapists have had to pivot in how we provide care and show up as helpers and experts. The licensing and regulatory boards that issue our licenses have not. To help meet the demand of the mental health crisis many therapists have expanded their offerings into mental health (or clinical) coaching, so they can work with clients who live out of state.

This is technically not the same as therapy. You will not be provided with a diagnosis if needed and not given a corresponding treatment plan. When you are providing therapy there are many boundary considerations and limitations to consider because of the nature of the work. Therapy boxes in the therapist in so many ways. Coaching is a bit more action oriented because the issues we are working on are usually a tad less delicate. But you know what’s awesome? Once you are a therapist you can never take off your therapist hat. It’s always on. So while the vetting process for my coaching clients is a little more detailed than therapy, it is a really great offering and it allows me to work with more people. If you connect with a therapist who is out of state but offering this service, I encourage you to pursue working with her/him/them.

If one one one therapy or coaching doesn’t sound appealing many therapists have pivoted to offer group coaching programs in an effort to serve several people at the same time. I did this last year with a small group program I created, Thought Works, and it was a really cool experience. You could also try courses or workshops offered by therapists if you aren’t up for or can’t swing therapy right now. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Trying Again After a Not So Great Experience

Reaching out is brave, especially if you come from a family where you don’t talk about stuff. Reaching out AGAIN after a bad experience with a therapist is even more badass and I hope you know that there is someone out there who is a really good fit for you. It is normal to shop therapists and go through a couple before you find a good fit. It’s also normal to work really well with one in one period of your life and need a different type of therapist for another period of your life. ALL NORMAL.

Of course you can always use good old Google, search local publications and try Psychology Today’s local directory for you area.

If you’ve found a good therapist, either online or in person, what worked well for you?

Dropping Plastic Balls

If you’re like me you are juggling more balls than you are likely capable of, but somehow you are doing it anyway. More balls keep getting thrown at you but it’s like you don’t have a chance to toss one to someone next to you to accommodate the new ones. And it’s not just the volume of balls that’s increasing, some of the balls feel like cement. Sometimes it feels like if you drop just one of them, the whole house comes crumbling down.

I want to share an analogy with you from best selling author Nora Roberts. She shared this in a Q & A session at a book signing a couple of years ago when she was being asked about juggling her successful writing career and raising children. She said:

“the key to juggling is to know that some of the balls you have in the air are made of plastic, and some are made of glass. If you drop a plastic ball, it bounces.  No harm done. If you drop a glass ball, it shatters. Much harm done. You have to know which ones are glass, and which ones are plastic.”



Which Balls to Drop

I keep this analogy tucked in my pocket and when I have my calendars out on Sunday night preparing for the week ahead I look for the plastic balls and I look for the glass balls. For me glass balls always include my children, my husband, my sleep, my morning exercise routine, and my clients. I WILL NOT and cannot drop those. Plastic balls for me look like extra projects I’ve taken on for work (this newsletter is a perfect example!), cooking a homemade meal, volunteer commitments, housework, time with friends (this pains me), reading for pleasure etc.

These things change every week and the key to being able to “juggle it all” is being flexible and accepting that there is no one right or perfect way.

Women disproportionately carry the invisible load in our society and it feels like we are the project managers of the lives of everyone around us. Without giving our consent we end up with significantly more responsibility for the remembering, conceptualizing, and planning tasks of domestic and work life. The effect this is having on our mental health is nearly catastrophic and something has to change.

Join Me!

I spend a lot of my time helping women navigate the mental load they carry; minimizing and managing it so their mental health doesn’t suffer as much. I’ve generalized some of these strategies (that I use in my life every day!) and I’m bringing them to you in a virtual workshop.

Join me on 3/23 at Minimizing the Mental Load: a virtual workshop for women who want to learn practical strategies to reduce the exhaustion and manage the mental load of being a woman and mother.

You will learn how to make fewer decisions, how to systemize and automate parts of your life, how to change your mindset and how to have conversations around divisions around mental & emotional labor.

Grab your ticket & details HERE.

What Is Self Compassion?

This post is dedicated to often misunderstood topic of self compassion. Most of us are incredibly hard on ourselves and can’t even begin to offer ourselves the same warmth and compassion we offer others. But to be able to be more compassionate with yourself, you have to understand what self compassion is and isn’t.

Self compassion is a way to relate to ourselves more kindly. It is the ability to use understanding, warmth and love turned inward, just as we would offer those outward for others. It is being able to accept yourself warmly, particularly in the face of distress or failure. A lot of us struggle with this because we confuse self compassion with self pity or even narcissism. We believe that if we’re too nice to ourselves we’ll become lazy and indulgent. Ironically most research shows that when are less self critical we actually perform better.

Why is This An Important Skill?

When we criticize ourselves we tap into our body’s threat defense system (think fight/flight/freeze). Our brain believes there is a threat lurking (the criticism) and goes into defensive mode. But in reality there is no threat to our safety; the criticism is merely a threat to our self concept. So if you’re constantly criticizing yourself and hard on yourself, your stress responses and hormones (think cortisol) will be continually elevated. This leaves you feeling tired, stressed and depressed. If you are not in the habit of being compassionate with yourself you are setting yourself up to be stuck in a cycle of stress. It negatively impacts your physical and mental health when you are not self compassionate.

So How Do I Actually Do This?

I have been working with people for fourteen years and to this day I still shocked at how quickly we default to self loathing and criticism. Developing self compassion is a skill that takes intention and practice because not only does it not come naturally, it also wasn’t modeled to us as when we were children. To begin being kinder to yourself you have to incorporate three elements into the way you treat yourself.

Kristin Neff, a self-compassion researcher and the first to define the term academically, describes self-compassion as having three elements.

1. Self-kindness, or refraining from harsh criticism of the self.

2. Recognizing one's own humanity, or the fact that all people are imperfect and all people experience pain.

3. Mindfulness, or maintaining a non-biased awareness of experiences, even those that are painful, rather than either ignoring or exaggerating their effect.

If you want to learn more about self compassion and how it is different than self esteem, be sure to check out this Ted talk with Dr. Neff. You can also find some helpful self compassion exercises here to get you started if you feel like you have no clue where to begin on your own.

Prefer Podcasts?

Here are two podcast episodes that take a deep dive on self compassion.

Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris: Kryptonite for the Inner Critic, Self-Compassion Series, Kristin Neff, PhD

Hidden Brain: Being Kind to Yourself

And if you’re reading this scoffing, thinking “I don’t deserve to be nicer to myself” I hear you. I get it. I really do. I have never met a client who has jumped at the idea of self compassion as a way to make the lifestyle changes they want. But I also can’t recall ANYONE who doesn’t start to make progress once they begin using this skill.

Be well,

Melissa

Clueless

I was clueless it was #nationaldaughtersday last weekend and apparently it was #nationalsonsday yesterday and honestly that’s quite fitting because clueless has been the general vibe I’ve had since my first baby was placed in my arms eight years ago. Can you believe they let you just leave the hospital with your baby? Oh, and when you have twins they just let you walk out with TWO of them. Yikes.

We all have the tendency to believe our struggle with motherhood is unique and that there’s no way other moms could be feeling the way we feel. I mean look at all the shiny well coifed pictures on Instagram! They certainly don’t look like they’re struggling. You maybe believe there is something inherently wrong with you or broken inside of you because this is not what you thought it would be.

But here’s the thing (and I can say this because I have the unique privilege of working with a lot of moms); none of us really know what we’re doing. Truly. We’re all doing our best and trying really hard to do what’s right and nobody has it all figured it out.

If you’re struggling with motherhood and it feels hard, that’s because it IS hard. Parenting is hard, especially today. It’s not because you’re doing it wrong or that something is wrong with you or your choices.

We’re all a little clueless.

Should We Be Happy All the Time?

Do you think you should be happy all the time?

You might look around at your seemingly wonderful life and think "well yeah, I have everything I could ever need. I'm privileged, all my needs are met...I'm lucky! Something would have to be wrong with me if I wasn't happy at least most of the time." But trying to be happy all the time? It's fundamentally a bad idea, and here's why.

Life is hard and you are HUMAN. We lose people we love unexpectedly. Our feelings get hurt. You don't get the job you wanted. Your favorite team loses. Not to mention the big stuff like wars, pandemics, racial injustice...unfortunately I could go on forever. Bad things happen all day long and being happy is not a normal response to them. And that's okay.

There’s a strong push in American society to act happy, even when we aren’t. Despite the constant messages we’re getting to “have a great day!” we are not, in fact, having great days. Contrary to our culture’s bias, it’s normal and even healthy to experience a wide range of emotions that do not include happiness. Negative emotions, even though they may not feel like it, can actually make life better. We can appreciate happiness and joy even more when it comes after a difficult time. Living a good life isn’t about being happy all the time, it’s about being authentically you. Humans are layered and complex and we are mean to feel ALL kinds of emotions. Some of our most meaningful endeavors in life come out of time when we felt badly.

In Thought Works we have a week dedicated to covering the topic of feelings and the idea that the goal isn't to be happy all of the time. The goal is to get to know your feelings intimately. To process them without getting stuck so you can move through them instead of numbing yourself out. There is nothing wrong with you if you're not happy all the time. The world is good AND bad and learning how to embrace it ALL makes the good feelings feel even BETTER.

XO

Melissa

Stopping the Worry Domino Effect

Do you ever feel nervous that you aren't feeling more nervous? Wonder why you aren’t feeling more stressed than you think you should be? If you experience anxiety on a daily basis this is probably a common occurrence for you. When worry is a constant companion and you’re used to being triggered by all kinds of things, it can feel like a line of dominos when your worries get triggered. One worry gets knocked down and before you know it they’re all getting knocked down one by one.

We tend to think of our worries like as conscious or intentional thoughts since we can identify them and verbalize them (i.e. “crowds make me anxious” “people looking at me makes me nervous” “I have health anxiety”). But what if I told you that, while these worries are conscious, the way your unconscious brain works can contribute to the ongoing loop of worries? There is a simple two step process that, if practiced regularly, can do wonders to help you keep those worries at bay.  Sounds good right?

Step 1:  Download Your Thoughts & Schedule Worry Time

Downloading your thoughts means that you’ll pick a period of time, maybe 2 minutes every hour and essentially download your worrisome thoughts. You can do this in a journal, in the notes section of your phone or in a document on your laptop...wherever you like. You are going to write out every worry that is plaguing you but you can only do it for the set amount of time that you have assigned, then you put it aside. After that you stop and go on with your day. You have to do this consistently throughout  the day because your brain is constantly coming up with worrisome thoughts, so it is essential to keep downloading these thoughts as the day goes on. Think of your brain like a server, you don’t want those worries storied on your server so you download them!  

Then you can pick a time of day, just once a day, that you are allowed to go through that list and spend as much time worrying about those things as you'd like. This might sound counterintuitive but it’s actually based on the psychological concept of cognitive defusion which means we are separating ourselves from our worries and disconnecting us from our worrisome thoughts. This practice also gives us permission to worry and do it intentionally. Instead of the worry taking over we can do it in a way that is intentional and helps us to feel in control. 

So literally schedule in your calendar when you will pull out your thought download and get to worrying :) Remember that we actually have a good reason for why we worry. We mostly worry about things that can harm us or change our lives. We like to believe that if we worry about we can somehow be prepared for it. It’s almost as if not worrying about becomes stressful because then how in the world will be prepared for it if it actually happens? Worrying feels like we have some sort of control so when we try to tell ourselves “don’t worry!” it feels nearly impossible.  This is why scheduling worry is a much better alternative and instead of dismissing your feelings you are validating them, but without letting them take over. 

Step 2: Practice Mindfulness

Once you get into the habit of practicing a Thought Download and scheduling worry, try incorporating a brief mindfulness or grounding practice to help anchor you to the moment. Things such as breath work, progressive muscle relaxation and guided meditation can help us detach from our worrisome thoughts and keep us in the here and now. We tend to play out worries over and over in our head because they are events that typically don’t actually occur, so there is no closure. It’s unfinished business. So we worry about one thing, which leads to the next, and so on and so on just like a stack of dominos. You started off worrying about how you’ll make time to get groceries tomorrow and before you know it you’re worrying about your retirement plan. Worries escalate quickly! 

A mindfulness practice can anchor you in your senses (smell, sight, touch, feel, sound) and keep you in the moment. Like anything this takes practice and effort and committing to this even when you don’t want to. But find a mindfulness practice that works for you can be key in helping you get ahead of the domino effect of worrisome thoughts. New habits take time to form and remember you’ve likely been thinking the way you think for a very long time. Your thought patterns are so automated you don’t even realize you think that way! Learning a new way of thinking takes effort but with enough practice can eventually become automated and almost like second nature. Don’t give up! 

There is nothing wrong with you.

The good news? Nothing is wrong with you. The bad news? Nothing is wrong with you. If you’re wondering why you’re feeling so bad, so stuck on the negative and gloom and doom there is a pretty good scientific reason. Our brains are wired with a negativity bias, meaning that we are actually hardwired to focus on negative circumstances and feelings more than the positive ones. Crazy right? We react more strongly to negative stimuli than positive as a way to protect ourselves from danger & the theory says this has helped us to evolve and stay alive. Now this was pretty helpful in pre-historic times when staying hyper-vigilant was life or death. Now? Not so much. There is a STRONG correlation between your negativity bias and your likelihood of suffering from anxiety and depression. The good news is that there are all kinds of tools and techniques you can learn to help you overcome your natural tendency toward negativity and strengthen your ability to think more positively. Yay! 🎉 This is exactly what I’m doing with you in Thought Works and why I created this program. To give you the tools to change your thinking, increase your frustration tolerance and FEEL better.