therapy

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Are You Hyper-Independent?

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“I do it myself!”

If you’ve ever tried to help a headstrong toddler who is paving their path in the world put on their shoes you’ve probably heard “I DO IT MYSELF!” or something similar shouted at you in frustration. And while it’s sort of cute when a two year old does it once or twice, it isn’t quite as cute when you can’t get your girlfriend to just let you take her out to dinner because you know she’s had a week.

We’ve all been encouraged to ask for help when we need it, but what about when it isn’t that easy? What if you know that asking for and accepting help might make things simpler or easier for you, but you just can’t seem to do it? This is can be referred to as hyper-independence and it can be a real detriment to your mental health.

If you haven’t heard of this concept before, hyper-independence is when you take on life circumstances independent of others, even when it has a negative impact on your life. This might be confusing to some because independence is so often thought of as as a great strength. The problem with hyper-independence is that humans are wired for connection; we literally need one another to survive. So approaching life through the lens of “me vs. the world” doesn’t allow you to ever depend on another person. It’s also a sustainable approach to life in you’re in a partnership. And I hate to break it to you, but we all have to depend on someone.

What Can Hyper-Independence Look Like?

-Repeatedly saying no when needed help is offered

-Declining offers to collaborate on a work project that is too big for you to handle alone

-Assuming someone would not want to help you without ever actually asking if they would

-A dislike of needy people

-Handling a complicated medical condition alone without telling a trusted friend or family member

-Feeling like no one understands you

-Getting behind on work projects because you don’t understand a need but will not ask for clarification, direction or help

-Thinking you can complete more tasks than you can

-Have a hard time trusting or relying on someone else

-Stretching yourself beyond your capacity repeatedly

Why Am I Like This?

Hyper-independence can be rooted in past trauma; maybe you learned that others will always disappoint you so you choose to not trust anyone again. It can also be a function of your role in your family system growing up. Maybe you didn’t have any other choice but to only rely on yourself to meet your needs. You also might have been expected to take duties that were more parent-like as a child, resulting in some parentified behaviors. Maybe there were dynamics in your family or circumstances in your upbringing that taught you that people are not safe & you truly can only depend on yourself.

Maybe your body reacts negatively when someone offers help (your stomach lurches, you feel flushed, you get angry etc) and you take that as a sign that help = danger.

Regardless of origin, if you notice this about yourself or maybe this trait is causing problems in your relationships, this is a GREAT issue to work through with a therapist; either through therapy or coaching.

What is harmed in relationships is healed in relationships, so if you’ve tried working on this on your own & haven’t really made progress, consider working with a trusted clinician. ✨

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Is Everyone In Therapy But Me?

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Gone are the days when being in therapy was hush hush. More people are talking about their experience in therapy now more than ever and I absolutely love it. I believe this is a upside to the pandemic and an intersection of a few factors:

  1. More people reached a breaking point because we experienced a universal stressor at the same time. We didn’t experience it the same way but there is no one it didn’t impact. If the virus itself wasn’t the stressor I’ve found it’s what the stressor has done to your relationships, career, stress management etc that has led people to therapy.

  2. Telehealth. Therapy was luckily a healthcare service that could be provided virtually and after 2.5 years we now know it works just as well, if not better in some cases, over video. The accessibility to therapy is unmatched and telehealth removes most barriers, especially for women. Fitting therapy in between work meetings without leaving your office is amazing. Having therapy during your child’s naptime is unheard of. But here we are and we’re never going back.

  3. Therapists filled a need. Many therapists left agencies and group practices during this time and went out on their own. Why? See 1 & 2 :)


So How Could Therapy Help Me?

Therapy is a tool, but at its core it is a relationship. A good therapeutic relationship consists of an emotional bond of trust, collaboration, caring, and an agreement of the goals and tasks of therapy. Many people think of therapy as a therapist just sitting and listening and nodding their head and saying “well how does that make you feel?” And while I suppose maybe it’s like that with some therapists, therapy can help you see yourself differently and teach you how to manage your thoughts and emotions in a more useful way that feels better. Much of that is done through mutual decision making and collaboration within the therapeutic relationship.

You might be wondering if your issues seem “not that bad” or if you don’t have a mental health diagnosis would you be judged for going to therapy? My answer is a big NO! Frankly, who are you to say what is bad and what isn’t? It’s all relative and you can drown in 2 inches of water or 10 feet of water just the same. So how about you don’t drown?

Perfectly valid reasons to go to and stay in therapy:

  • Get insight into a specific issue you can’t discuss with people in your life. Confidentiality is a beautiful thing. Perhaps you want to discuss the future of a partnership, changing careers, infidelity, sexuality…topics you do not want to bring up in your trusted friendships. These are great things to explore with a therapist.

  • To be seen for who you truly are. This sounds odd considering the therapist is at first a stranger, but because of the strong boundaries your therapist holds it’s almost like you can keep everything you share with them in a container. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable after they’ve build trust with you, your therapist can see you for who you truly are because they are not looking to get their needs met in this relationship. We all need to be heard and seen authentically. Once this happens it bolsters our confidence to take our true self out into the real world and show up authentically.

  • To have one hour that is fully, 100% about you. Need I say more?

  • To have dedicated time to explore who you really are. Many women have no idea who we really are. Our identities get wrapped up into our professional roles and our domestic and caretaking roles that we one day we wake up and realize we aren’t sure we know who is looking back at us in the mirror. Therapy is a wonderful place to explore “who TF am I?”

  • To have an true ally in your corner. Without sounding insane to my clients who I know read this, I cannot stress to you how much your therapist cares about you. They think about you, root for you…say a quick prayer for you on the day they know you’re planning to have that hard conversation you were nervous about….you get the idea. Yes, it’s a transactional relationship and you are paying them for their service & expertise, but they will be one of the only people who you can’t ever let down (‘cause it’s not about us or our needs) and will always be Arsenio Hall style cheering for you.

  • To break unhealthy generational cycles before repeating them with your own children. One of the HARDEST things about being a mother is reparenting yourself while parenting the child in front of you. It is brutal. It is heartbreaking , exhausting and scary. And NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. It’s of course hard when you’ve had a rocky relationship with your own mother but it’s also hard when you’ve had a pretty good one! It’s pretty much impossible for our mothers to have met all of our needs (**particular our moms in the Boomer generation as they definitely did not get their own needs met when they were little girls) and you don’t really realize some of the ways you could use some reparenting yourself until you’re trying to be the parent to your own child. Therapy helps with that :)

Lastly, even going through insurance for therapy can be cost prohibitive. If budget constraints prevent you from starting therapy be sure to check out Open Path Collective. They are a therapist collective platform that has demonstrated ethical and clinically appropriate care OpenPathCollective.Org

Be well,

Melissa