Self-care is a concept that has evolved in so many subtle and overt ways over the years that it is nearly unrecognizable to me today. So much so that I try my hardest to not use the term because I feel like it has become ubiquitous and one more task piled onto the invisible labor of women.
On a weekly basis my depleted and overworked clients log on for their sessions, telling me they feel like garbage and chastising themselves because “it’s my own fault I feel like this because I didn’t make any time for my self care.”
“Make time?” I’ll ask them…”do you hear what you’re saying?”
“You can’t make more hours in a day” I continue. ”You are exhausted because you’re busting your ass at the director level at work, you have two young kids (one of which will not sleep), your partner is traveling for work this week, the country is constantly crumbling around us, you’re doing hard work in therapy….”
….on and on and on.
This is part of the actual problem with the idea of self care that is sold to us….it’s a rigged system. And just like almost every other system in our country, it’s broken. We are led to believe that if we don’t find time for the solutions to make us feel better then it’s our fault. That if we don’t carve out the time then it’s on us to feel poorly because we aren’t taking care of ourselves. Even though we are taking care of everyone around us. Enter in wellness programs, bubble baths, face masks, wine, supplements, detoxes- products and methods that are outside of ourselves and promise to restore our exhaustion and breathe new life into us.
When we focus on these external tools, or faux self care as Dr. Lakshmin refers to it in her book Real Self-Care (which is in my cart as I write this!) we get sucked into comparison traps and don’t really address the actual problems in our life.
And to be very clear I’m not shaming any of the above…they can all be enjoyable and necessary forms of escapism (well maybe not the detoxes), and why wouldn’t we want to escape? Escapes are feel nice and we need them. But as soon as the escape is over, you’re plopped right back into your life and nothing has changed. And personally I don’t really enjoy the escape as much as I think I will and the front and back end work is usually never worth it.
So What Is True Self Care?
True self care is an intentional way of living that is directed by you internally. It can’t come from any other person, place or thing. Real self care is a way of thinking, being and making decisions. It is a verb, an action, not a noun.
Example:
Let’s say you love going a walk a few nights a week with your girlfriend who lives down the street. You get to catch up, vent, be a sounding board for another, get out of the house, and enjoy fresh air while moving your body. You look forward to it so much and if I asked you what you do for your “self care” these walks would absolutely be at the top of your list.
The reality is that your walks are just a tool, they are a method outside of you. You feel better when you do them, both emotionally and physically. In actuality, your real self care is all of the boundaries you’ve set in motion that allow you to keep your commitment to these walks such as:
-The things you said “no” to so you could continue to say yes to your friend & your commitment to walking with her.
-The way you made room in your schedule to allow for this to consistently happen and the planning you put in place.
-The negotiations you went through with your partner and children to accommodate this activity in your family’s evening schedule.
Those decisions and thought processes are your real self care. And the great thing is that if your tool (i.e. walking with your friend) changes for any reason, your real self care can be applied to something else. You can take those internal principles, and apply them to a new external tool. Maybe it’s running out for a manicure or meeting friends for dinner. The external method really doesn’t matter. What matters is that the self driven way you think and behave supports your values, needs and wants and then you’re able to use any tool that works for your particular circumstance or season of life.
Is a Stanley Cup Self Care?
In my own life I’ve found the methods of how I care for myself have changed drastically based on the season of life my family has been in and what shape my mental health is in, both of which are largely dictated by my children’s ages. The way I can step away from my roles and accommodate time for myself with a 9 year old and two almost 8 year olds looks wildly differently from how it did just a few years ago. When they were toddlers it seemed the second I stepped out of the house the timer began counting down and my tether home got tighter. I dreaded leaving because the price I paid was always so high when I came back. It was never worth it in the end.
It was really, really hard for a long time, not because my partner didn’t encourage me to take time for myself the way he did for himself, but because I mistakenly believed self care was supposed to come in the form of something outside of myself. I bought into the toxic messages that a new planner, water bottle or fitness program would bring me back to life. But they just left me feeling emptier…and with more shit I didn’t need. Eventually I found myself feeling more alone, overwhelmed, and exhausted than before. So I just stopped trying altogether.
What I’ve found to be true is that I can enjoy the “faux self care”, the little escapes so much now that I have a substantive and meaty self care practice in place. After several painful years of identifying my values, figuring out what really matters to me and putting systems and processes in place I’m much better able to hold boundaries with myself and others.
If you’re struggling to figure out how to really take care of yourself, I want to say how unfair it is that it’s on us to continue doing this work. Taking care of yourself isn’t optimizing yourself, your body, your home or your life. I know it’s overwhelming and you’re so tired. So you can start by getting curious. Ask yourself, when will it ever be enough? Where did I learn that I have to constantly be in motion? What are my values and priorities? Where am I choosing to start opting out?
Having answers to these questions is where your journey to true self care really starts. Then you can create internal processes and boundaries with yourself around the answers. THAT is how you begin to negotiate your own care.
And none of that can be bought.