Client- “Oh God, I think I’m having a midlife crisis.”

Me- “I don’t believe in midlife crises.”

Client- “Okay, good I don’t either… but I’m having some kind of life crisis then!”

If you’re in your 30’s and 40’s this panic stricken thought is coming for you at some point or another. And yes, the idea that you’re “mid-life” could be somewhat terrifying, sure. But what is really at the core of this panic is the question of “is what I’m doing with my life what I should be doing with my life?” “Is what I’m doing RIGHT THING?” Lasered in more sharply, that might sound like…

-Is this the right career for me?

-Is this the right company for me?

-Did I chose the wrong partner?

-Should I become a parent? (Or scarier…should I have not become a parent?)

-Am I living in the wrong city?

These questions can change daily and at the root of these is a desire to know if we’re on the right path. If you are prone to running anxious, or better yet know you have high functioning anxiety, it makes sense that want reassurance that you’re on the right path with your life choices.

We often hear assurances like “trust your gut”, or “when it’s right you’ll just know” but that is unhelpful if you run anxious, have a history of complex trauma, did not have healthy attachments in your family growing up, etc.

So how do you know you’re on the right path?

I wish I had a magic wand and could give you a definitive answer or a formula that you could use to plug all of the variables into. Unfortunately I have neither. But what I can give you are some trauma informed clues to lean into that will give you hints, glimmers if you will, that you’re on the right path.

Clues you’re on the right path:

You don’t betray yourself. You’re aren’t put in positions where you have to betray who you are and be someone else.
You’re not negotiating your sense of integrity.
You don’t have to lie. (Fun exercise…see if you can make it through a whole day without telling one lie.)
When you don’t have to compromise who you are.
Even though circumstances are challenging you feel peaceful and accepting of them.
You feel less anxiety about the outcome and more curiosity about the process.

A Word About the ‘Ole Mid-Life Crisis….

I do not believe in the mid-life crisis in the traditional sense of the word and subscribe to the idea that we all go through transitional periods every few years, or “lifequakes” as Bruce Feiler refers to them in his book Life is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age. He discovered that we all go through dozens of life disruptors over the course of a lifetime and what is important is how we transition and ride out the waves. If you’re wrestling with all of the “what am I doing with my life?!” “am I on the right path?” questions, you might want to check his book out. I loved it and definitely recommend.

What helps you feel settled when you question if you’re on the right path?