This post is dedicated to often misunderstood topic of self compassion. Most of us are incredibly hard on ourselves and can’t even begin to offer ourselves the same warmth and compassion we offer others. But to be able to be more compassionate with yourself, you have to understand what self compassion is and isn’t.
Self compassion is a way to relate to ourselves more kindly. It is the ability to use understanding, warmth and love turned inward, just as we would offer those outward for others. It is being able to accept yourself warmly, particularly in the face of distress or failure. A lot of us struggle with this because we confuse self compassion with self pity or even narcissism. We believe that if we’re too nice to ourselves we’ll become lazy and indulgent. Ironically most research shows that when are less self critical we actually perform better.
Why is This An Important Skill?
When we criticize ourselves we tap into our body’s threat defense system (think fight/flight/freeze). Our brain believes there is a threat lurking (the criticism) and goes into defensive mode. But in reality there is no threat to our safety; the criticism is merely a threat to our self concept. So if you’re constantly criticizing yourself and hard on yourself, your stress responses and hormones (think cortisol) will be continually elevated. This leaves you feeling tired, stressed and depressed. If you are not in the habit of being compassionate with yourself you are setting yourself up to be stuck in a cycle of stress. It negatively impacts your physical and mental health when you are not self compassionate.
So How Do I Actually Do This?
I have been working with people for fourteen years and to this day I still shocked at how quickly we default to self loathing and criticism. Developing self compassion is a skill that takes intention and practice because not only does it not come naturally, it also wasn’t modeled to us as when we were children. To begin being kinder to yourself you have to incorporate three elements into the way you treat yourself.
Kristin Neff, a self-compassion researcher and the first to define the term academically, describes self-compassion as having three elements.
Self-kindness, or refraining from harsh criticism of the self.
Recognizing one's own humanity, or the fact that all people are imperfect and all people experience pain.
Mindfulness, or maintaining a non-biased awareness of experiences, even those that are painful, rather than either ignoring or exaggerating their effect.
If you want to learn more about self compassion and how it is different than self esteem, be sure to check out this Ted talk with Dr. Neff. You can also find some helpful self compassion exercises here to get you started if you feel like you have no clue where to begin on your own.
Prefer Podcasts?
Here are two podcast episodes that take a deep dive on self compassion.
Hidden Brain: Being Kind to Yourself
And if you’re reading this scoffing, thinking “I don’t deserve to be nicer to myself” I hear you. I get it. I really do. I have never met a client who has jumped at the idea of self compassion as a way to make the lifestyle changes they want. But I also can’t recall ANYONE who doesn’t start to make progress once they begin using this skill.
Be well,
Melissa