You obsess over social exchanges with acquaintances. You hold back setting limits with that one friend that drains you but worry if you decline her invitations to hang out she won’t invite you anymore.
You re-run conversations you had with friends at dinner over and over after you get home that night…
“Did I say something stupid?”
“Does they still like me?”
“Is there a group text going on right now without me on it?”
A friend stops returning your texts or turning down your invitations to go on a walk and after mentally combing through every single thing you’ve ever said you really can’t figure out why this would happen. Maybe she just don’t like me anymore? Oof.
Let me start with this- wanting to be liked by others is a normal human disposition and desire. Even those of you claim you are independent and “people can’t take me or leave me!” inherently have a desire to be liked. This is an adaptive want and not a weakness. You’re normal if you want people to like you. Now that we have that out of the way…
Not everyone is going to like you.
And you cannot control that with your behavior, thoughts or feelings. People either won’t like us because of the way we’re acting or because of something unresolved in them that they are projecting onto us. Either way, you can make yourself crazy trying to figure out the “why” and working harder to earn someone’s stamp of approval is not the way to be more likeable. Your choices are asking the person for clarification and acceptance.
Why Do I Care So Much?
There are a lot of variables contributing to why we care if someone likes us and I believe those who have trauma in their past are predisposed to caring even more. Here are other common contributors:
You were often told to change parts of yourself as a child and never felt like you were allowed to fully be who you are. Messages from school, family or friends that you weren't acceptable as you are gave you the sense there was always something that needed to change about you. If you're liked by others this refutes that internal pull to always need to fix something about yourself.
You don't have a strong sense of yourself and who you are, so you look to other people's opinions of you to form that for you. If they like you, then you can like you. If their opinion is positive then it allows you to see yourself positively as well.
We equate being liked with being safe, loved and accepted. If we are liked then we feel secure and that gives us a checkmark of approval that who we are must be okay.
We are social beings and wired for connection; we cannot thrive in isolation. Being liked means we are connected to someone which biologically can feel safe.
Most adults experienced teasing, bullying or social ostracization as a child. Emotional health & inclusion was not prioritized in school and sports settings in the 1980's & 90's the way it is now so many adults today have wounds related to be left out and picked on. The desire to be liked as an adult is often related to those wounds seeking to be healed.
Tips for Not Caring As Much
Create rituals and belief systems for yourself that help you self validate. Caring if someone else likes you comes down to wanting them to validate your existence. When you are able to inherently do this for yourself the need for others to do this by liking you decreases in intensity. This can look like having small celebratory rituals for yourself for accomplishments, regularly telling yourself how proud you are of yourself, buy yourself flowers (hey Miley) etc. This is not an easy thing to do by the way, and a really workable goal in therapy.
Try to remember it’s not all about you. If someone isn’t replying to a text, has gone MIA for awhile or forgot to include you to a group dinner, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you. Most people have a lot going on that you don’t even know about (mental health struggles, concerns about their kids, marriage issues, work stress etc) and they aren’t always showing up as their most considerate version of themselves. Now if these things are a pattern, then yeah, maybe there is something to it. But keep in mind most people are not thinking of how much they like or you not; they usually just wrapped up in their own stuff. We’re all the center of our universes.
Take small social risks. Do things you normally wouldn’t do because you worry about what other people would think. Wear something you normally wouldn’t wear because you fear judgement but truly want to wear. Speak up in a meeting. The more social risks you take the less you start to care.
Focus on the outcome. What’s the worst that can happen…a bruised ego? When you’re feeling worried a person is directing “I don’t like” energy toward you remember that there isn’t anything that bad that can come from someone not preferring you. Unless you are being harassed or bullied (which is not what I’m talking about here) it is okay to not be the most popular, the most liked, the prettiest, etc. You get the idea. You will be okay…trust yourself that you can handle the feeling of disappointment. It is merely a feeling.
A Parting Word of Caution
Sometimes, people who dislike you have legitimate reason to do so. Being genuinely yourself doesn’t do much good if you are genuinely being a jerk who refuses to change anything. For example, if your friends are telling you that your brutal honesty is a little too brutal, maybe it’s time to do some soul searching and make some changes. Part of growth is keeping an open mind to feedback and constructive criticism, knowing that we all have plenty of to learn about ourselves. We are all evolving and that is a wonderful thing.