“I do it myself!”
If you’ve ever tried to help a headstrong toddler who is paving their path in the world put on their shoes you’ve probably heard “I DO IT MYSELF!” or something similar shouted at you in frustration. And while it’s sort of cute when a two year old does it once or twice, it isn’t quite as cute when you can’t get your girlfriend to just let you take her out to dinner because you know she’s had a week.
We’ve all been encouraged to ask for help when we need it, but what about when it isn’t that easy? What if you know that asking for and accepting help might make things simpler or easier for you, but you just can’t seem to do it? This is can be referred to as hyper-independence and it can be a real detriment to your mental health.
If you haven’t heard of this concept before, hyper-independence is when you take on life circumstances independent of others, even when it has a negative impact on your life. This might be confusing to some because independence is so often thought of as as a great strength. The problem with hyper-independence is that humans are wired for connection; we literally need one another to survive. So approaching life through the lens of “me vs. the world” doesn’t allow you to ever depend on another person. It’s also a sustainable approach to life in you’re in a partnership. And I hate to break it to you, but we all have to depend on someone.
What Can Hyper-Independence Look Like?
-Repeatedly saying no when needed help is offered
-Declining offers to collaborate on a work project that is too big for you to handle alone
-Assuming someone would not want to help you without ever actually asking if they would
-A dislike of needy people
-Handling a complicated medical condition alone without telling a trusted friend or family member
-Feeling like no one understands you
-Getting behind on work projects because you don’t understand a need but will not ask for clarification, direction or help
-Thinking you can complete more tasks than you can
-Have a hard time trusting or relying on someone else
-Stretching yourself beyond your capacity repeatedly
Why Am I Like This?
Hyper-independence can be rooted in past trauma; maybe you learned that others will always disappoint you so you choose to not trust anyone again. It can also be a function of your role in your family system growing up. Maybe you didn’t have any other choice but to only rely on yourself to meet your needs. You also might have been expected to take duties that were more parent-like as a child, resulting in some parentified behaviors. Maybe there were dynamics in your family or circumstances in your upbringing that taught you that people are not safe & you truly can only depend on yourself.
Maybe your body reacts negatively when someone offers help (your stomach lurches, you feel flushed, you get angry etc) and you take that as a sign that help = danger.
Regardless of origin, if you notice this about yourself or maybe this trait is causing problems in your relationships, this is a GREAT issue to work through with a therapist; either through therapy or coaching.
What is harmed in relationships is healed in relationships, so if you’ve tried working on this on your own & haven’t really made progress, consider working with a trusted clinician. ✨