Signs That Therapy Is Helping

One of the harder things about a self growth or healing journey is that there isn’t an objective way to measure your progress. If you loved getting good grades in school and you thrive when you can quantify success, the therapeutic process can be a real adjustment. Even though yes, you set goals with your therapist this isn’t a gold star kind of situation. Meaningful change takes time; not simply the passage of time but repetition, practice and consistency. When you’re deconstructing beliefs about yourself and behaviors that you’ve clung to for decades, things can actually seem worse before they get better. Which is totally normal by the way.

So if you’ve been doing “the work” for awhile and you aren’t sure which way is up from down, here are some subtle signs it is working.

1.You pause before reacting.

No matter what kind of goals you’re working on, most of us get ourselves into trouble when we act before we think or feel. Learning how to pause is a monumental skill and learning how to do this is a gift we give ourselves. Even if you still aren’t thrilled with your reaction, if you notice that you’re pausing first, you are on the right track.

2.You don’t take responsibility for another’s emotions or behaviors.

Learning to separate your emotional experience from another’s is freedom, particularly for women. Releasing yourself from the belief that you are responsible for keeping those around you happy and at peace changes your life.

3.You start believing new things about yourself.

It’s a really cool thing, as an adult, to start believing completely new thoughts about yourself. When you consider new possibilities this means you’re getting curious!

4.You choose being authentic to yourself above all else.

This is a sign that you have realized that not living in integrity costs you your peace, and nothing is worth that.

5.You start listening to your gut instinct more instead of always questioning it.

When you start listening to your intuition instead of questioning it, this is a sign that you’re developing more self trust. Keep going.

6.Tolerating the discomfort of knowing you disappointed someone isn’t that bad.

This is a big one for so many of us but once you do this a few times and survive, you begin to see that it wasn’t that bad. If you live your life making every effort to not disappoint people, tolerating the discomfort of knowing you disappointed someone in an effort to put yourself first is hard. But once you get the hang of it, progress accelerates.

7.You have more plans than you do worries.

Planning and worrying are not the same thing, and when you notice that you’re able to take a worry and turn it into a plan in case that thing were to happen, you are swimming with the current vs. against it. The bad things that could potentially happen have much less power over you.

8.You observe and get curious about your feelings instead of shoving them down or judging them.

Figuring out how your feelings impact your world is a common experience in therapy. I hear everything from “I’m not emotional at all” to “I’m too emotional about everything”. When you find yourself feeling more balanced and that your feelings aren’t negatively influencing your behavior, that’s a good sign.

Stopping the Worry Domino Effect

Do you ever feel nervous that you aren't feeling more nervous? Wonder why you aren’t feeling more stressed than you think you should be? If you experience anxiety on a daily basis this is probably a common occurrence for you. When worry is a constant companion and you’re used to being triggered by all kinds of things, it can feel like a line of dominos when your worries get triggered. One worry gets knocked down and before you know it they’re all getting knocked down one by one.

We tend to think of our worries like as conscious or intentional thoughts since we can identify them and verbalize them (i.e. “crowds make me anxious” “people looking at me makes me nervous” “I have health anxiety”). But what if I told you that, while these worries are conscious, the way your unconscious brain works can contribute to the ongoing loop of worries? There is a simple two step process that, if practiced regularly, can do wonders to help you keep those worries at bay.  Sounds good right?

Step 1:  Download Your Thoughts & Schedule Worry Time

Downloading your thoughts means that you’ll pick a period of time, maybe 2 minutes every hour and essentially download your worrisome thoughts. You can do this in a journal, in the notes section of your phone or in a document on your laptop...wherever you like. You are going to write out every worry that is plaguing you but you can only do it for the set amount of time that you have assigned, then you put it aside. After that you stop and go on with your day. You have to do this consistently throughout  the day because your brain is constantly coming up with worrisome thoughts, so it is essential to keep downloading these thoughts as the day goes on. Think of your brain like a server, you don’t want those worries storied on your server so you download them!  

Then you can pick a time of day, just once a day, that you are allowed to go through that list and spend as much time worrying about those things as you'd like. This might sound counterintuitive but it’s actually based on the psychological concept of cognitive defusion which means we are separating ourselves from our worries and disconnecting us from our worrisome thoughts. This practice also gives us permission to worry and do it intentionally. Instead of the worry taking over we can do it in a way that is intentional and helps us to feel in control. 

So literally schedule in your calendar when you will pull out your thought download and get to worrying :) Remember that we actually have a good reason for why we worry. We mostly worry about things that can harm us or change our lives. We like to believe that if we worry about we can somehow be prepared for it. It’s almost as if not worrying about becomes stressful because then how in the world will be prepared for it if it actually happens? Worrying feels like we have some sort of control so when we try to tell ourselves “don’t worry!” it feels nearly impossible.  This is why scheduling worry is a much better alternative and instead of dismissing your feelings you are validating them, but without letting them take over. 

Step 2: Practice Mindfulness

Once you get into the habit of practicing a Thought Download and scheduling worry, try incorporating a brief mindfulness or grounding practice to help anchor you to the moment. Things such as breath work, progressive muscle relaxation and guided meditation can help us detach from our worrisome thoughts and keep us in the here and now. We tend to play out worries over and over in our head because they are events that typically don’t actually occur, so there is no closure. It’s unfinished business. So we worry about one thing, which leads to the next, and so on and so on just like a stack of dominos. You started off worrying about how you’ll make time to get groceries tomorrow and before you know it you’re worrying about your retirement plan. Worries escalate quickly! 

A mindfulness practice can anchor you in your senses (smell, sight, touch, feel, sound) and keep you in the moment. Like anything this takes practice and effort and committing to this even when you don’t want to. But find a mindfulness practice that works for you can be key in helping you get ahead of the domino effect of worrisome thoughts. New habits take time to form and remember you’ve likely been thinking the way you think for a very long time. Your thought patterns are so automated you don’t even realize you think that way! Learning a new way of thinking takes effort but with enough practice can eventually become automated and almost like second nature. Don’t give up!